It’s a myth that older men aren’t interested in sex. However, that doesn’t mean that the physical and the sexual don’t play a role in older gay men’s dating, because they are important. Older gay men might judge how a date went by how they felt afterwards about the quality of the conversation, and perhaps less so on how they felt in terms of physical attraction. In the dating process, it’s important to ask yourself if the man you’re on a date with feels like he “speaks the same language”, even if there is an age difference. Some older gay men I work get annoyed if the content of dating is too “superficial” or feels like “babysitting” someone who can’t really talk about things they’re interested in. Unlike our youth, dating might be more focused on things that older men are interested in, and we enjoy seeing ourselves “mirrored” in other men who share our values at that stage of life.ĭating for older, single gay men means that the process will only be satisfying if it reflects where are thinking and feeling is for that stage of life. If you are an older man who likes dating younger men, it might be exciting to navigate the difference between the generations, and this can be an interesting contrast, or yin-yang effect. In this way, dating for older gay men might go beyond wanting to just hook up for our sexual side (although more on that, below), and dating might be more focused on how we feel another man shares our values at this time in life. We also might be debate in our minds about how much we want to work, versus how much we want to begin to “take it easy” and enjoy our lives more recreationally or leisurely. At this age, we tend to outside of ourselves, going from a youth that is somewhat self-centered to feeling like we are part of a larger movement that will live on long after we’re gone. This might lead us to give financially to LGBT causes, volunteer for certain organizations, and to discuss political and social issues with our peers. During this time, we tend to focus on establishing our careers, settling down into a domestic home life with a partner/spouse (and perhaps children), and, over time, develop a sense that we are part of the bigger picture.įor gay men, this can be a sense that we are part of a larger LGBT community, and we might naturally be very invested in seeing that community do well. From age 40 to 65 is the stage of Generativity vs.
This is the time when many or most adults form meaningful relationships with partners or spouses. From about age 18 to 40 is the stage of Intimacy vs. One of my favorite psychological theorists, Erik Erikson, Ph.D., discussed how human beings pass through predictable developmental stages ( ) throughout their lifespan. Here are some of those areas commonly seen: There are a number of content areas that Craig, and other single, “older” gay men, have discussed with me in my practice over the 25 years I’ve been a specialist in therapy for gay men. It’s also reasonable that a gay man who finds himself in this situation would need support, such as from a gay-affirmative therapist, to navigate familiar-yet-unfamiliar territory. The idea of a gay man being over 40 (or 50, etc.) and being single, through whatever circumstances, is common.
Craig then contacted me for help learning to navigate the current gay men’s dating and sex world, when he hadn’t been a single man “on the scene” in over 20 years – and a lot has changed for gay men during that time.Ĭraig isn’t alone. Tim left the very nice condo that he and Craig shared for many years, and Craig sold it shortly thereafter. Attempts at couples therapy revealed that Tim’s mind was made up. Tim was experiencing what we might casually call a “midlife crisis”, or what therapists might call a “developmental period” of questioning his life at middle age, after being in a relationship with Craig for over 20 years. I started working with “Craig” (a fictitious name, based on a number of clients I work with) a number of months ago, when his relationship with “Tim” was coming to an end. Several guys mentioned that they wanted me to address issues in dating and sex for older single gay men, for perhaps those who have been widowed, or who have experienced a breakup of a long relationship. I’m here for you (along with my associate clinicians here at GayTherapyLA, offering counseling/coaching in person, via phone, or via webcam all over the world), and so I’m happy to receive your suggestions. Recently on my Facebook page for my psychotherapy and coaching practice for gay men, I asked readers for suggestions for new blog article topics. Therapy can help single older gay men returning to the dating and sex world